


Damaged People

by Sashataakheru



Category: The Chaser RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-09-18
Updated: 2006-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 23:19:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7821196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Chris/Andrew relationship angst in a weird format because I was so ~edgy~ as a writer ten years ago idk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Damaged People

**Author's Note:**

> My notes from the original post:  
> Songfic. Ok, I'm not entirely sure why I felt the need to write this, but since I finally worked out why Chris had been prodding me with Depeche Mode's Damaged People, suddenly, I had the writing bug. (He wanted Chris/Andrew, not Chris/Craig, as I had been reading it as)
> 
> This was somewhat of an experiment for me. This fic insisted on being first person, but I could hear both Chris and Andrew in my head. So it’s like they’re writing at the same time, but sometimes, it’s Andrew writing, and sometimes it’s Chris, and sometimes it’s both of them. So yes. It’s supposed to be confusing POV like that. Well, it wasn’t deliberate, it’s just how it happened. 
> 
> I've been assured there's two distinctive voices there, but maybe it' s because I've been staring at it for the last I don't know how many hours, I can't hear them anymore. I can't work out who's saying what anymore. Their voices have meshed together now. So I hope you can hear them. 
> 
> And the events they’re describing… it’s almost like it’s an internal conversation, not being told to the world, so they don’t feel the need to add details as they already know the details. I'm not sure when this is set, nor what they're talking about, but this is what they wanted to say, for whatever reason. I wasn't expecting this to turn out quite as angsty as it has. And now I'm going to post this before I fall asleep.

_We're damaged people  
Drawn together  
By subtleties that we are not aware of  
Disturbed souls  
Playing out forever  
These games that we once thought we would be scared of_  
  
There was always something about you that kept me coming back, something I could never identify. The Universe was pulling us together and neither of us had the strength to fight it, much as we tried. We seemed like such different people, but as I got to know you, we discovered we weren’t so different after all.   
  
I pushed you away when we first met. I thought I saw myself in you, and wanted to run away from it. I was scared to face what I was. As dissimilar as we might appear, we carry the same scars, the same hurts, that manifest in different ways. Like there’s anything remarkable about us anyway. I wasn’t sure you were like me at all, until I’d let you get closer than I had intended. By then it was too late. And I didn’t want you to leave. I needed you too much. I needed you by my side as much as I wanted you out of my life.   
  
For months, we flirted, trying to work out where we each stood. I was never sure that’s what you wanted from me. I wasn’t sure you’d even be open to that sort of thing. I never told you at first, scared you’d hate me. I was always so scared of losing my friends back then. It wasn’t the sort of thing I wanted people to know me as; I was more concerned about what others thought of me. Had to be perfect. Nothing else would do. Scared of what you’d think of me if you ever saw the real me. The closer we got, the more I wanted to push you away, scared of hurting you without meaning to. You stuck by me, refusing to leave me alone. I couldn’t let you go, there was always something bringing me back to you. I hated you, wanted you to just let me be, but I couldn’t get rid of you, like some parasite stuck inside my body. As much as I fought you, you fought back, and you were stronger than me. It was a battle I was never going to win, stubbornly refused to believe I’d lost.   
  
I needed you, I wanted you, and seeing you so hesitant scared me. I knew you wanted to be close, but something always stopped you. What was it? Why did you run away? I only chased after you. You never hid for real, you always wanted me to find you again. And you were always so happy when I came back, ready to forgive my fear. And you’d sit in my arms and cry, scared as all hell that someone would discover us. Showing two faces to the world, hiding the truth, too scared of ourselves, too scared to be ourselves, hiding away in the darkness, pretending this isn’t happening. The more we lied, the more we hated ourselves, and the more we knew we were hurting them. Everyone knew, but we refused to say it. We got off on having our secret, taunting everyone, never letting anyone know the real truth. The outside confidence hid a deep anxiety and fear no one else could fathom. We were being eaten from the inside out, consumed by a desire to make fun of everyone, even if it ended up alienating some of them. Some of them never forgave us for that, did they? Ah well, their loss.   
  
_When you're in my arms  
The world makes sense  
There is no pretence  
And you're crying  
When you're by my side  
There is no defence  
I forget to sense  
I'm dying_  
  
The first time we both knew what we wanted, it was late, we were drunk, but it was the most wonderful thing in the world. Therapeutic, almost. You held me, we kissed, and a part of me felt at peace. No, everything felt at peace. Finally, there was something that made sense in the world. The rest of the world could be as chaotic as it wanted, but as long as you were with me, it didn’t matter.  
  
You were the only person I never lied to. You would only ever know the real me. And I know it scared you; hell, we both had our demons to wrestle. We needed each other to stop ourselves going mad. But it never stopped it, just delayed the inevitable. But I’d forget everything when we were together. You stopped me sinking to the very bottom, though I know we both came close. We nearly destroyed each other. But that only served to bring us closer together. We saw each other at their core, at their very worst, every layer stripped off, nothing was sacred, everything laid bare.   
  
_We're damaged people  
Praying for something  
That doesn't come from somewhere deep inside us  
Depraved souls  
Trusting in the one thing  
The one thing that this life has not denied us_  
  
We both needed to feel, needed to be together, to hide from the world, the cruel world that deigned to injure us rather than nurture us. Never fatal, no, it was always more subtle and superficial than that. In different ways, we fought against the world, and neither of us came out unscathed.   
  
The only way to cope made us feel so dirty. Our love was never forbidden, no one important would’ve stopped us, but you insisted we tell no one. We’d drink and fuck and it’d feel so good getting so filthy. The pleasure was all that mattered. How fucking selfish. That’s all either of us wanted. Use each other to make us feel better, like nothing else would bring us the same rush. The sex was all we needed, wherever we could get it, as dirty as we could make it, anything to distract from reality. And that’s all it was, a distraction, a way of ignoring what was really going on. It was all we had, the only thing we could find in our lives that meant anything.  
  
 _When I feel the warmth_  
Of your very soul  
I forget I'm cold  
And crying  
When your lips touch mine  
And I lose control  
I forget I'm old  
And dying  
  
Having you lying there beside me, yours was the only warmth I could find. With you inside me, I felt alive again. Nothing else made me feel alive, made me forget how shit everything was, made me love you even more. You’d ask for punishment, and I’d give it to you, I’d ask for pain and you’d make me bleed. And you’d always want me to go crazy, to never hold back, because there was no point, you said. A kiss was all I needed and there was no stopping us. Anywhere, any time, even when we shouldn’t have, it was all like a fucking drug, and we were both too addicted to stop.   
  
And only once we’d sunk to the bottom did things begin to change. You didn’t need me anymore. I didn’t want to hurt you. I lost you, you pulled away, and we all sat and watched in amusement and horror. What sick bastards we are. Surfacing again tore us apart. But you never left me, you were always there when I needed you, in secret, away from their disapproving eyes. No one else helped with the pain as much as you did. I couldn’t stand to see you hurting so much. I’d have died if I’d lost you. I couldn’t lose you, not after everything we’ve been through.   
  
But things were never the same after that. It killed our addiction, much as I wanted to be close to you again. You came up a different person, not that that was a bad thing, but we were never close again, not like we were. You couldn’t stand it, both of us broken beyond repair, torn apart and thrust back together again, reassembled in a different way, and we didn’t fit together as well anymore. We damaged each other, and there’s nothing we can do to fix it. It’s just another scar we have to deal with. But I don’t regret it for a moment, because they were the best times in my life, you know, the sort of time you’ll always remember with fondness, but will never get the chance to recreate again. Which is probably a good thing, because risking it now would bring more trouble than it’s worth. That part of us is dead. Let us never speak of it again. The memories come with pain, and some do not as easily forgive as others. The guilt still eats away, like it did before. I couldn’t do that to them again. I’ve learnt that there are some risks you just shouldn’t take.


End file.
